Love On The Rocks

I have referenced the New Girlfriend (NG) many times during my various posts.  She was simply a blessing who appeared in my life at a time I desperately needed her.   She scared me to be honest and even had a skeptic like me thinking that maybe god does work in mysterious ways and had brought her into my life for a reason.   She is a very loving and caring person who lives life at full throttle.  We really got along well and had so many of the same interest.  We both are cyclist and love being outdoors.  Our children were the same age, both have one granddaughter…  I felt we were perfect together.  She also is an RN who has spent most of her career working in ERs.  After I was diagnosed we talked about how she really should run away but to her credit she didn’t want to.  I really don’t think either of us really thought I was going to end up as sick as I ended up being.  She was there for a lot of my Dr. appointments, and all my surgeries.  Her smiling face was the first thing I saw as I was waking up besides the nurse who was always trying to make me choke down crackers and 7-Up.  She helped me when I got home and cooked for me, cleaned my house, let the dog in and out, ran to the store, managed my meds, changed my dressings, drove me around….  She was wonderful and I could never have made it through without her I don’t think.  Oh and she lives 3 hours away from me and would drive up to see me all the time when she wasn’t working.  She came to spend a weekend with me in New Jersey and we went to NYC and did the tourist thing.  We have a lot of great memories in a short amount of time.  As I was going through my treatments I could tell the strain was getting to her and my inability to really enjoy life during treatment was becoming difficult to manage for her.  I mean why drive three hours to see me sit around and watch me rest, all the while bitching about how shitty I feel.  Not much of a life for her.  A few weeks ago I got my first Dear John via e-mail.  Remember when we use to break up in person so we could at least call each other names as our relationship was ending?  Honestly I have absolutely no hard feelings towards her and I have sent her a link to this blog.  I hope she reads it and laughs and  hell she probably can fill in some gaps for me.  Do I wish our relationship had ended differently?  Of course I do, I felt the e-mail breakup was cold and to be honest I was more hurt by that than anything.  I am sure this was very difficult for her to do.  I told her that if she was my sister or a good friend I would tell her to do the same.  The 5 year mortality rate for somebody with my level of cancer isn’t very promising.  Now I expect to be below the line on the mortality graph I printed off of Cancer.Net, but let’s be honest I may not be.  Why would she want to subject herself to this over somebody she has just met?  I tell myself that the closer we became the harder it was for her to stay with me, fearing what may be coming.  That’s how I make sense out of it anyway.  The truth is most likely something simpler.  This can be my revenge on her, a picture of her stuffing her face with BBQ during the Tour De BBQ.  If I can find the picture of her standing next to the naked cowboy in Times Square I will post it next.